Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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