hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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