Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
