Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
