my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's just like the Real World with babies
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
