yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
In other news, I just burned my penis
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
