I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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