My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
