I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
