At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
is wine microwaveable?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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