I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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