If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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