and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
