I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
