According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
