you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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