Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
