Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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