he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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