Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
