It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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