I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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