why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
