I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
