I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize