Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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