he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
