I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
