chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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