Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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