at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
