Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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