just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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