I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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