i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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