he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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