i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
