I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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