Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
