We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
