come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
