well I can't set my house on fire every night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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