nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
