if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
