Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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