so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize