Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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