i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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