Life is so much better after having sex.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
