I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
