if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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