You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
