My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
