We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
