Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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