jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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