New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
