let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
