Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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